Communication Coach Blog
Kevin Hogan has 3 new articles up this week to help your self-development.
1 – Getting Paid for What You Love
2 – Finding Yourself: Whose Life are You Living Anyway?
3 – SOOP – The Big Obstacle of Success (Susceptible to Opinions of Other People)
Interesting stuff. This week only. Click the above title or here:
http://kevinhoganprograms.com/aw.aspx?B=42&A=223&Task=Click
Enjoy!
Coach Ric
A part of being confident is not giving into aggression – yours or anyone’s. We want to stand up for ourselves, but we don’t want to be pushy, be a bully, unreasonable or be perceived as a jerk. Kevin Hogan’s newsletter offered this excellent advice on being assertive without being aggressive:
Do’s and Don’ts of Assertive Behavior
Do:
Use Intelligent Communication
Exude Calm
Use Good Eye Contact
Be Aware of Body Language
Use a Confident Voice
Don’t:
Make Unreasonable Demands
Be Hostile
Use a Haughty Voice or Manner
Belittle the Other Person
Put the Other Person on the Defensive
Build Your Confidence to Become more Assertive
In order to be assertive, you will need to develop confidence in yourself. It is easier if you try to take this one step at a time. Let’s start off by just doing one small step and work from there.
I signed up years ago to receive interesting articles every week, like this one, from a true expert on communication, influence and persuasion. If interested please check it out below.
Get the latest in persuasion news! Weekly ezine from Kevin Hogan. Yours free when you click here.
Every Monday morning I get Kevin Hogan’s excellent free newsletter delivered in my inbox. This expert on persuasion, communication, body language, wealth etc. has many books, ebooks, Cds, DVDs etc. I have a few of his books/programs and I enjoy reading his articles. His homepage currently has a great article “Influence: Being Assertive without Being a Jerk”. Here is a sample:
Assertion simply means, “Hey honey, let’s go see your movie tonight and mine tomorrow night” or vice versa… and it really makes little difference who gets to go “first” because you aren’t four-year-olds….you are 40 and have gray hair…or you will soon.
Aggression is, “Dammit, you never do what I want to do and we are going to my movie tonight missey/mister or I’m outta here.” See, assertiveness training while well-intended can easily become… war college …where you learn to hurt people you love.
Ugh….
All assertion is, is stating what results you’d like to have and the help to get them, while you give help to others on the results they want.
AND
Assert: to state with assurance, confidence, or force; state strongly or positively; affirm. Insist on having one’s opinions and rights recognized.
Aggressive: ready to attack or oppose; quarrelsome. (and that’s just the first part…it gets uglier…like attacking…and so forth.)
As you can see, there is a canyon sized difference. They are on two different planes of behavior.
…
Interesting right? Enjoy the articles from a real expert as I do. Click the link below to see what he has to offer on his free newsletter, and other products.
Get the latest in persuasion news! Weekly ezine from Kevin Hogan. Yours free when you click here.
Enjoy!
I know it is a rather odd question, but it is an important one. People like myself who study NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) understand that repeated words and phrases, no matter how innocent or simple they may be, may be interpreted by the brain as a command.
Yes, be careful what you say to yourself. Our self-talk conditions us subconsciously just like water torture. (No, I don’t mean water-boarding!) Water torture is when you let a drop of cold water hit a person’s forehead. After a few of these you may be thinking this is ineffective torture – it’s just water drops. But after a hundred, a thousand or more, it is like a spike being hammered into your skull! So is the result of a negative or self-defeating comment said to you by someone else or by yourself (self-talk) on a regular basis. For example, if you say these things: “I’m getting fat. Do you think I’m getting fat? I’m too fat.” Or if you hear “you look fat” etc. then what do you think will be the result? Your conscious brain will program yourself to believe you are heavier than you actually are and that everyone must think the same. Can you see how dangerous this is? We all fluctuate in actual weight and appearance of weight daily, depending on meals, water, mirrors, scales and choice of wardrobe. You are no different!
Prevent this negative programming. Stop yourself when the negative self talk comes about. For help with this, check out other blog entries here (especially under the ‘confidence’ category) or take a look at my popular ebook (based on a popular coaching program!) called “Communicating Confidence Inside & Out – how to build confidence, be assertive and succeed!”
To be an effective communicator you have to be able to talk about current affairs and old, unsolvable contraversial debates (think abortion, death penalty, gun control, politics, religion etc.) without offending others, and at the same time without feeling that you have sold yourself out by not voicing your own opinions.
To add weight to your position I suggest you do some extra research on the topic – not just what the mainstream media is telling you. Get a wide range of information from across the spectrum – left wing and right wing – so that you are prepared to discuss the topic fully and are prepared for many counter-arguments ahead of time. Be open-minded, share information and learn. Do not argue and do not insist that others see your point to the point you are being a bully. Discuss and share, but at the end of the day they will absorb whatever they are willing and able to absorb on that day, just like you. Don’t push it, even if you think you are 99% right. It’s not about winning – it’s about respecting others and sharing info. No one wins a heated argument anyway, right? 🙂 Hold yourself to a higher standard of intellectual as well as passionate conversation and you will be seen in a better light.
A very famous Life Coach & Business Coach out of the U.K. named Sean McPheat, who was a very big influence on my coaching career when I first started out, has a new website simply called “ConfidenceWorld”. Here you can sign up (no charge) and gain access to 30 articles, newsletters, a 120-page ebook, reports, a 7-part e-course, 4 audio downloads and great tips on building and maintaining confidence in your personal and professional life. There is a lot that he gives away for fr*ee, and at the same time, like any successful entrepreneur, he also lets you know that he has a Gold Membership, if you are interested, for a small one-time payment of 39 bucks only. The Gold membership has a lot to offer for sure, but like any smart shopper you probably want to get the f*ree stuff first and take advantage of the wealth of inspiring and confidence-building information. I did! You can see that he is straight forward, clear and motivating – three good reasons why I have benefited immensely from his help over the years in developing my coaching style and practice, not to mention my ebooks. Thanks Sean!
Okay, right now, ask yourself how confident you are on a scale of 1-10, and if the answer is lower than an 8.5, you can benefit from this world of confidence that Sean provides. Check it out and enjoy his excellent articles, ecourse and so much more. Just CLICK HERE.
If you need me for confidence and/or communication skills building, you know i offer coaching and training right? just let me know!
Here are a list of the qualities and characteristics of a good public speaker/presenter.
Make sure you include these points when you have to speak in public.
1. They talk to us as though we are having a conversation
2. They speak our language
3. They look as though they are enjoying themselves.
4. They inspire us to find out more about the subject
5. They tell stories/use the human-interest angle
6. Someone who conjures up pictures in our mind
7. They don’t talk for hours
8. They let us know where we are going
9. They look at us – not their notes
10. They stress important points and pause to allow ideas to sink in
11. The talk appears well prepared but has an air of spontaneity
By Sean McPheat – included in his ‘ConfidenceWorld’ program.
A couple of weeks ago I was out with a friend for a couple of beers, and on the way home decided to go to the local liquor store and pick up some supplies. It wasn’t that late, but as I came out of the store I was confronted by a person; a beggar, panhandler, bum, scam-man, etc. whatever you want to call him. (Forgive me if I sound unsympathetic – actually I donate annually to help the homeless. But what I don’t do is give money to a person directly who perhaps wants to buy drugs or alcohol with my hard-earned money instead of much-needed food. I can’t take the chance.)
Anyway he was polite and I was polite and I told him I have no spare change (what is ‘spare change’ in today’s world, really? Is there such a thing?) He followed me up to the corner and began cat-calling a couple young ladies and getting in their face. I tried to ignore him but unfortunately it was not possible. A few seconds later, while we were waiting for the light to change, he was bothering the girls and so I said something to distract his attention. He turns on me and rambles incoherently something about ’14 years’ and ‘kung fu’ and then proceeds to ‘kick’ me in the tummy! It barely made contact with my thick winter jacket, and it was slow and clumsy, due to his impairment. I had a bag over my shoulder and a heavy bag of new booze in my right hand and so I simply told him (in a stern way but with a smile) “Don’t kick me! Or else I’ll kick you back and you won’t like that!”
My smile let him know that I was non-aggressive but my tone and eye-contact let him know that I was not a push-over or a punching bag. At first he was a bit stunned, but then backed off. The light changed and I headed towards the subway. He followed and apparently not finished yet he called at me saying “I’m right behind you ya know!” so I stopped, took my left hand out of my jacket (I’m left-handed) and stepped up to him with a smile and said “yes I know…” and we talked. Once again it was incoherent (I suspect drugs) but still I let him know that I was not his enemy and that I was just walking towards the subway, and that we were ‘just talking’ with no malice. He seemed to accept that and we shook hands (funny how a few minutes ago he sort of kicked me!) and walked to the station. He went off to harass others and I went home with a smile on my face.
Summary: I was not angry, upset nor had any type of adrenaline rush. I was happy that no violence had occurred, even though some might say I had a right to ‘defend myself’ or put him in his place. I certainly had witnesses to the fact that he struck first. But I didn’t. Why?
I have studied martial arts for 20 years, including stuff like kung fu, muay thai boxing, Brazilian jiu jitsu etc. and I know I can handle myself. I have no desire to hurt anyone. I have confidence to talk to people, even if they are aggressive or assaulting, and I do not have a knee-jerk reaction to strike back. For that I am thankful. I know I can handle myself if I have to, even though I’m not in shape like I used to be, but I also know that good posture, a stern but pleasant voice and solid eye contact can diffuse most conflicts before they get out of hand, or even get started. Also, we have to have a sense of humour in life, right? If not that then at least a sense of empathy or sympathy.
What can you take away from my story? To practice not over-reacting, and to work on your ‘stern voice but smiling face’ presentation when faced with aggression. There are really very few true times when you absolutely NEED to fight, verbally or physically.
Thank you for reading my story.
This is no simple question.
Our confidence is greatly affected by our memories, values, previous decisions and environment. I always tell people that competence is the flip-side of confidence. When you get good at (doing) something, your confidence rises. And likewise when you get more confident at something, you perform better, which raises your competence at that task. So it is like the old riddle – “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” The answer is it doesn’t matter, as long as you have both a chicken and an egg, as they are interlinked and there could not be one without the other. So it is with confidence and competence.
Lesson for today: build your competence in your targeted task, job or hobby in small steps to gain more self-trust and positive feedback from others, so that your confidence rises up a few notches. That will in turn show on your face and in your voice and body language, starting off a very positive ripple-effect. After a while of small successes you can look back at your journey and see the great accomplishments, and feel the stronger confidence gained from your personal goal-achievements.
Now go climb a small mountain! (figuratively, of course!)
Hey everyone,
I know this post is not really communication-related, except if you consider that GSP (Georges St.-Pierre) has a thick French-Canadian accent, but I just HAD to write a quick WOO-HOO and congratulations to our home-grown UFC champion (MMA – Mixed Martial Arts) Georges “Rush’ St.-Pierre on defending his title against BJ ‘the Prodigy’ Penn, from Hawaii. BJ is a great fighter, but I am relieved that GSP won and proud that he did it in such a convincing way. When you are THAT good, no one CARES that you have an accent!!!
Don’t ever let an accent slow you down or convince you that you can’t follow your dreams and ambitions. Ever!