Category Archives: Interpersonal Communications

Interpersonal human communications

How Are Your People-Management Skills?

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How would your employees rate your people-management skills?

Here is an interesting find from a recent Hackett Group survey of 200 global organizations (source: HR Professional, Aug/Sept. 2008) when asked to discuss talent management practices:

More that 75% of participants rated people-management skills as very important.

I bet that you are not surprised. Me either. The fact is almost everyone, whether employee, employer, entrepreneur or customer can see the benefits of good people-management.

So here is the next part of the survey results:

Only 19% of senior managers, 10% of mid-level managers and 8% of supervisors were rated highly effective at managing people!

WOW.

Why is there such a discrepancy between what we know we want and the actual results of managers in the workplace? This leads to many questions that you can ask yourself when self-evaluating.

1 – Am I as a manager trained in people-management skills, or advanced communication skills? What is available to continuously improve?

2 – Do I have a way to find out what my employees really think of my management skills or the other manager’s skills? Can an anonymous survey be done?

3 – What do my employees really want? How do they define people-management?

4 – Do my employees feel comfortable coming to me to discuss their needs without feeling intimidated or out of line?

The topic of people-management deals with issues like communication, interpersonal skills, leadership, assertiveness, conflict and many others. If you know of a highly effective manager maybe you can find an opportunity to sit down and pick their brains on how they developed their style. Ask them what books or courses they would recommend, or to tell stories of managers that influenced them. No matter what position we are in at work, we are all in pursuit of excellent management skills.

One Day Communication Workshop

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If you are in the Toronto area, there is a communication workshop coming up soon that you may want to go to. BRASI is sponsoring a one-day workshop and I will be doing the training. For more information please follow this link to the BRASI website. IF interested, register through BRASI.
(Aftab Khan is the contact person there).

http://www.brasi.org/english.php

Thanks! I am on vacation for a week so am unable to respond to any questions until I get back on the 17th.

Don’t Hold Onto Anger

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Recently a friend of mine told me this story. She came home from work and saw 2 young teenage girls chatting at the front of the building, one holding the building door open as she chatted. My friend simply walked through the open door and proceeded to the elevator. One of the ‘young ladies’ called her the dreaded ‘B’ word and even gave her the finger as the elevator doors closed, much to the surprise and confusion of my friend.

This stuff happens all the time. We could blame poor communication skills, poor upbringing of the young offender, mis-communication etc. The fact is we do not know why the girl said what she said and gestured rudely. For all we know in her head she was justified. Maybe she thought it was rude for someone to briskly walk through her conversation. Maybe there was an accidental touch of a bag or purse, unbeknownst to my friend. Or maybe she was just having a bad day and over-reacted. We may never know. So guess what I told my friend? LET IT GO.

Let it go. Be the adult. We cannot control other people’s actions, right? All we can do is control our own actions, and in this case, REACTIONS. Why would you let someone ruin your day?

We all would feel shocked and betrayed at that sudden flip-off, for sure. But what can we do now? Shall we confront the villain? Ok, get in an argument or fight. Who wins? No one wins a fight (unless it is a sport-fight). You exchange words, shouts, curses, even blows. What if there are injuries? A broken cell phone? A ripped favourite shirt? A cut that leaves a scar? Or worse! And what do you tell the police when they show up? That you were angry at someone’s word and gesture so you started a fight? Hmm….

I do believe in standing up for yourself and your loved ones. My message today is to simply choose your battles, and don’t waste your time on idiot behaviour – yours or theirs. Do not let someone else’s negativity ruin your day. Chin up, walk proud and LET IT GO. A confident person has no need to defend his/her ego over something like this.

Assist Your Listener

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Hello everyone! I hope you are all having a great summer and not working too hard.

Today I would like to remind you of something I am often repeating in training – assist your listener. Sometimes we can get caught up in our own speaking that we neglect the listener. We may be speaking too quickly, or too quietly, or without enthusiasm or proper stress, or we may be speaking over or under people’s intelligence levels.

Think in the past of someone who spoke to you that way. How did you feel? I hope and assume it was not done on purpose, but still, what is your typical reaction to someone who seems to be pontificating on and on, or otherwise seems to not need you in the conversation? Half of the time my reaction is to just stare with utter amazement! The other half of the time I actively re-balance the conversation with no egos bruised. Would you like to know how to do that? Great! Sign up for coaching! (ha ha).

Our public speaking performance improvement is great for our personal success, of course, but we cannot forget that if we lose our listener’s attention or respect, it is game over. No matter how eloquent of a speaker you may be or how fast you can speak, the important thing to remember is that communication is a dance. You need at least one other person working with you right?

So the next time you have lots to say, are excited, in a hurry, at work presenting ideas or whatever, remember to pause and mentally self-evaluate your delivery tools: volume, speed, rhythm, appropriate vocabulary etc. and ask yourself – can my partner/listener/audience/client/student etc. completely follow me? Do they have enough time to process the information being thrown at them? Are they engaged in this conversation or are they just passively waiting for their turn to speak? If so, what responsibility do you take in that situation? I hope from now on you take a lot of personal interest and responsibility in the ebb and flow of your conversations, and are careful to assist your listener at all times, especially when your listeners change frequently throughout the day, week, month, year and lifetime!

Confidence is Competence!

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They are twins. They are the flip side of a coin. As you build up your belief in yourself to do something you gain the nerve to do it. Once you do it or attempt to do it you start to notice what you are doing right, that it wasn’t as bad as you had imagined it, and that maybe next time will be even better.

As you feel more competent at the activity you start to believe more in your ability to improve and maybe even get good at it. This gives you more confidence, even if it is mostly visualization at the beginning. So I could go on with this email but I think you can see my point. The confidence leads to taking more chances and doing things better, so that increases competence, and the increased competence increases your confidence. It will radiate out of you.

Dale Carnegie said it best: Do the thing that you are afraid of. That is the one sure way of conquering your fear! (He was talking about public speaking, but it can be related to many things).

Until next time!

The Rule of 75%

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I had a fantastic time training the wonderful, energetic group of participants over the last weekend, at our 3V communication course. The first day focused on interpersonal skills and the second more on professional skills and public speaking.

Anyway, unfortunately due to my over-zealousness to try to give the group all of my best information, the afternoon of the second day ended up seeming a bit rushed. I had packed too much information into the course and workbooks, and although they can read it at home as many times as they like to help digest it, it still felt bad to rush material and examples. Not something I wanted to do.

So it reminds me today of the 75% rule of public speaking and presentations. Only prepare for 75% of the time allotted. That way you have time to slow down, relax, field questions, and even digress a little if necessary. You know story-telling is a natural digression and can dramatically increase audience listening and participation too. Every one likes a good (and hopefully relevant) story!

So in closing today’s brief post I am reminded of a great Japanese saying: “Saru mo ki kara ochiru.” What is the translation? “Sometimes even monkeys fall out of trees!” (Hey I fell out of the tree, but I don’t think I broke anything!)

Until next time.

Body Confidence: How to Like What You See in the Mirror

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From childhood we are sold on an ideal image of beauty, one few of us ever see reflected when we look in the mirror. This article will show you how you can look in the mirror and despite the ideal, see only a beautiful you.

When you look in the mirror, what’s the first thing you notice, and how does it make you feel?

If you’re like most people, the first thing that catches your eye is probably your least favorite asset. If so, don’t worry you’re not alone. Here’s why.

Can you guess how much money is spent in just one year by advertisers to sell us on the concept of the “ideal” image of beauty? Well, I can’t either but I do know this—it’s a lot of money, certainly somewhere in the billions of dollars! So, technically, you can consider yourself brainwashed.

From your earliest childhood days—whether you played with He-Man or Barbie—you’ve been receiving constant, consistent images telling you what beauty is supposed to look like. Never mind that these images are for the most part, anatomically impossible! And, would you really want to look like them anyway? Honestly? I’m guessing probably not.

So, here’s how you can build your confidence with the body given to you:

  1. Look in the mirror
  1. This time, really look at yourself. Reflect on the compliments you have received.

Do people tell you how great your hair is?

How beautiful your eyes are?

That you have a really nice smile?

Try to see what they see – take them at their word.

  1. Stand far enough away from the mirror so that you can take it all in. What do you see? Find at least three positive things.
  1. Now, get up close. Really close. Look at your eyes—the irises. What colour are they? Are they all one colour or are there flecks of various colours? How would you describe them using positive analogies or adjectives?
  1. Now, smile. What does your smile convey? Warmth? Happiness?
  1. Find at least three characteristics you like best about yourself, and then accentuate them as you dress to go out. For example, if you love your eyes, make sure your hair doesn’t cover them up. Love your lips? Make sure to keep them soft and moisturized. Your hair? Get a flattering cut and condition it regularly to keep it shiny and healthy. In short, amplify what you like, and don’t worry about the parts that you don’t.

Here are some ways to do just that:

1 – Go shopping and bring a good friend. Ask them to help you pick out colours and clothes they think flatter you. Don’t worry if your first reaction is “that’s not me!” Experiment!

2 – Feel better about whatever it is you don’t like about yourself by picturing the absolute worst-case scenario. Exaggerate whatever it is you’re hung up on and blow it up in you mind until it’s comical. Then look in the mirror—not so bad anymore is it? Accept yourself for who you are, how you look, and focus on what really matters—the things about you that can’t be seen—your heart, mind and soul!

3 – What do you want people to praise you for? Is it really how you look? Probably not. You probably want people to think you’re funny, smart, nice, or generous—something along those lines right?

4 – Make a list of your positive personal qualities and characteristics. Then ask yourself, what’s more important? Get involved in activities that build on your personal characteristics—volunteer, join a club, take a class to sharpen a talent. These will help you emphasize and focus on the more important qualities that get you through life successfully, and with more fun.

Live life, love fully and laugh often!

Talk to Trusted Friends and Mentors

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As a Communication Coach I get the opportunity to meet and work with people from all walks of life. Sometimes what they are lacking, in addition to “ideal” interpersonal or professional communication skills, is a person or two in their life who they can ‘bounce things off of’, before they go ahead and make a decision that involves others.

Often I fill in for that roll. People ask me if what they are saying matches what they intended to say. They want my opinion on their email or proposal before they send it out. Others ask me to check their speeches (in written form) to see if they can’t be spiced up a bit. The list goes on.

I am honoured and happy to help in these requests, and it reminds me that all of us, even communication coaches, need a trusted friend, family member or mentor to bounce things off of first before communicating the idea to others.

I am lucky I guess, as I have in my ‘circle of influence’ a pool of knowledge to draw from on subjects such as entrepreneurialism, teaching English as second language, marketing, the H.R. profession and so much more. I talk to these few but oh so important people often about my ideas, conflicts, business ambitions and goals in life.

My advice to you today is to ask yourself who can be in your ‘circle of influence’ to help you with your communications. Who do you know and trust to bounce ideas off, to check your emails for content and appropriate messages, or discuss your interview or meetings. They may not call themselves ‘communication coaches’ but they certainly can offer valuable insight and life experience.

Go ahead, don’t be shy – bug them, and bug them often. Just make sure you return the favour to them!

Have a great week!

Confident Verbal Communications

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Here is a sample of what was taught at a previous public 3V communication skills workshop to help our participants communicate their confidence:

Even though only 7% of our communication is verbal, which is our word choice, phrases and expressions used etc. we still need to acknowledge the impact of what we say on others.

A confident person knows when he or she is good at something, and trusts themselves at all times. They know that the words we say affect our belief system. Not cocky, not meek, a confident person simply states the truth.

Now you finish these sentences with confidence!

I am…

I will…

I trust that…

I can…

I’m able to…

Yes, that’s correct. I am…

I trust you. You can do it. I know because…

We also sometimes use ‘softeners’ when we want to be more diplomatic, professional, non-aggressive and non-offensive. A confident person never wants to offend anyone, and is not easily offended either. They always take the higher ground. They are expert managers of conflict. They are excellent listeners and have developed their empathy levels. They have no need to assert their strength to put others down. They can defend themselves politely, yet firmly. They do not argue. They discuss.

Some example softeners are below.

Would you mind…?

Could you please…?

Could I ask…?

Is it possible to…?

I’m wondering if…?

How do you feel about…?

I’m curious to know…

Sometimes changing a small phrase in your sentence or question will make all the difference between being a confident communicator or a wishy-washy or even offensive speaker. Remember that the next time someone tries to bully you as well.  

All the best!

“What is NLP and how can I use it to improve my communications?”

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This was a valid question given to me recently by one of my coachees. At first NLP can seem (and sound) daunting and scientifically complicated, but I can help you simplify it and use it everyday.

First of all, NLP stands for Neuro-Linguistic Programming. If you are thinking “brain-language training” you are correct. NLP assists in re-programming or re-conditioning your sub-conscious responses to certain words and situations. Actually it has been around for a while in the coaching world. Richard Bandler and John Grinder founded it in the mid-seventies, heavily based on hypnotherapist Milton H. Erickson’s work.

Do you know the name Anthony (Tony) Robbins? This self-help life coach and motivational speaker (although he hates to be called that) uses the same techniques, but calls them neuro-associative conditioning. I remember seeing Tony Robbins live at a Toronto conference last year. He was amazing, and certainly knew how to ‘condition’ the audience with excitement and energy!

Okay, history lesson over – here is the NLP lesson for today:

…because…

This pattern is useful to help influence, persuade or sell things. Why? Because we are conditioned since childhood to believe whatever answer comes after ‘because’ must be the truth. Think about your childhood. When you did not know an answer to a question, you asked your parents, your teacher, your religious leader. When you asked Why… they answered Because… and it was good enough for you. So even today, as an adult, we are still conditioned to accept the reasons given after this key word as truth. Here is an example of it in use:

Taking your communication skill-set to the next level is beneficial to you because you are aware of the strong need for soft skills in today’s workforce.

OR

Because you know excellent personal communications will benefit your career, you will sign up for Ric’s communication training immediately. (ha ha!)

That is it for now. This is just one example of an NLP word-pattern. As we go along I will introduce more to you, or you can do some research on your own. Now go and practice your new pattern-word on someone, and please check out the coaching programs on this site if you think it will benefit you or someone you know.

Thank you all!

PS – for those of you using English as a second language, I have almost finished creating a new ebook on English idioms, and how to use them wisely. Stay tuned for this new resource.

Thanks again to all of you!