Category Archives: Interpersonal Communications

Interpersonal human communications

Do you know a Confidence-Sapper?

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The people who you have the most contact with and hang around will have either a positive or negative affect on your levels of self-esteem and confidence.

We all know those people who are positive, happy and joyful to be around.

How do they make you feel?

Yes, they make you feel the same! They can put zest into a boring atmosphere and can fill the room with positive, can-do vibes that have a ripple effect on everyone else.

We also know those people who could make great “Wendy Whiners” or “Debbie Downers” (characters from SNL – Saturday Night Live TV sketches!).

They say they never had the opportunities, they are always putting people down, they don’t like others to be successful, they are jealous and are negative thinkers – need I go on? They are like crabs in a bucket – pulling down anyone reaching for the top.

These people drain your energy and bring you down to their level, a million miles away from the level that YOU want to be operating on.

The interesting thing is, many of these confidence-sappers are not malicious. Many times they do not realize that they are so negative, and that they are annoying you. Some feel they are “realists”, but we tend to think they are clearly “pessimists.”

You have to ask yourself a big question – what happens to my level of confidence and optimism when I am inundated with their rainy cloud or critical attitude?

It will more than likely wear you down, and worse yet, you may even adopt their language, gestures and view. This scares me!

So what should you do to make sure that the people who you hang around with empower and support what you stand for rather than bring you down all of the time?

1 – You have the power to choose who you hang around with. Ideally you want happy, vibrant and positive people. Make sure they outweigh any party-poopers.

2 – If you have good friends who are negative constantly and yet you still want to hang around them, make a point of letting them know how you feel – if they are a true friend they will respect you for this. If they are negative from time to time just acknowledge that this is what they are like and block out the negativity. Some may appreciate you letting them know that they complain too much.

3 – The same can be said with family. Your more mature family members have behaviours that have been conditioned for years and years and from different eras. Appreciate where they have come from and as in number 2 above, elicit and select the information that filters through to your brain.

4 – Remember, that nothing has meaning in life except the meaning that you give it. You have the power to accept or not accept criticism, negativity and most comments directed at you. Do not allow yourself to feel like a ‘victim’ and instead be a person in-charge and in control. Filter everything around you, and choose carefully what you wish to believe, and always consider the source. Not just the person or persons, but the potential reasons why they would say or do such confidence-sapping things.

I feel so strongly about this issue of preserving your self-confidence that I run a unique coaching course on confidence-building. The focus is on communicating your confidence – inside and out – and will have you learning how to walk, talk, act and dress for confident success! We also sell the course workbook as an ebook on this site. 🙂  If you want to learn how to block out negativity, change your attitude and be more confident, take advantage of the training.

Public Speaking Top 10 tips

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1 – Expect nervousness every time, but don’t expect disaster. Expect success.

2 – Stick to what you know well, so you can ‘talk’ about it at length, with ease.

3 – Ask lots of questions of the event organizer ahead of time, to find out the size of the room, equipment, expected number of attendees, etc. Visit if possible.

4 – Talk to people in the audience before you speak. If you have a chance to meet some of them before the speaking date, or at least before you talk try to mingle a bit and find out what they expect. It is good to have an ally in the audience, and it is great for you to know what they expect to hear.

5 – Reduce ‘separation anxiety’ by reframing it as an ‘informative conversation’
within a group. Talk to them, not at them.

6 – Remind yourself during to slow down, pause, breathe, relax and smile.

7 – Prepare point-form notes or cards and practice a lot with family, friends, etc.

8 – Research as much as you can ahead of time, so you can be an up to date expert on the subject of what you are talking about.

9 – Always relate directly to your audience. Making your speech relevant to your audience is key to their enjoyment and interest.

10 – What is the overall focus? Is it to inform, to entertain, to motivate, to shock your audience? Your whole speech needs to be centred around this vision.

Speakers Gold talent Search

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I recently was invited to attend a local speaking competition, held on June 21st, here in Toronto. I was in the audience of about 40 people, and there were 10 speakers, who each had only 3 minutes to express themselves in a way that impacted the audience, and their 3 judges.

The first 2 speakers had English as a second language, and so right off the bat I want to say how brave they are! Public speaking is never easy, even for seasoned pros like me, but to use a second language? Wow. My hat goes off to them.

I noticed a lot of speakers were talking about overcoming their own personal tragedies in life, and using it to empower or motivate others. This reminded me more of a Life Coaching seminar, of which I have attended a few. (Studying Life Coaching actually brought me to starting Communication Coaching…).

Effective public speaking has certain rules of engagement, like getting the audience involved, building rapport with them, eye contact, moving around the stage, and building sympathy or empathy. Although I felt at times that some of the participants were ‘guilt-tripping’ us in the audience, perhaps that was just due to their 3 minute time constraint. Had this event been billed as “Speaking of Courage” or the like, it would have been perfect.

Nevertheless I want to say that everyone did a great job, and there were a few outstanding speakers, which I really enjoyed watching. I wondered to myself if they get nervous like I do, right before they go on stage? I’ll never know for sure, because a good public speaker always remembers the golden rule: It’s okay to be nervous. Expect it. But never let them see you sweat!

For more information on Speakers Gold, visit them here: www.speakersgold.com

Have a great week and enjoy your upcoming long weekend! Happy Canada Day! (July 1st for those out of the country…)

Recovering from a Bad First Impression

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Have you ever met someone new at a dinner party, networking function, or a dating event, and they rubbed you the wrong way immediately? Something they said or did, or they way they spoke or acted, just really turned you off? Sure, we all have had that experience.

Now let me ask you, do you think the person was aware of their negative vibe at the time? Probably not right? They probably did not try to upset you on purpose. So if you didn’t tell them afterwards of their bad first impression, then they may never know how they came off, and may even think they made a good impression with you! They may be a bit confused the next time they see you as to why you are running in the opposite direction!

My next question is – could this be you? Is it possible that you accidentally gave an unintended negative vibe on a first impression with a new co-worker, friend of a friend, or even a date? Sure it is. Now what can be done?

Here are some quick steps to take to recover from a bad first impression, assuming you were made aware of it afterwards.

1 – Evaluate feedback rationally. Who told you that your first impression was negative? Was it the principle person, friend or observer? Consider the source, before you condemn yourself. However if you trust the source, or it comes from the principles’ own mouth, then it is time to move to step two.

2 – Self-evaluate. Ask yourself what impression were you trying to make, and what went wrong? Was this a misunderstanding? Do you do this same thing with other people as well? Is it time you stopped making excuses for this annoying behaviour and accepted that it needs to be changed? Write things down to be clear and focused.

3 – Contact. Send an email, voicemail or if you are brave enough, a call or face-to-face meeting with your accidental victim. Acknowledge your specific flaw or quirk and explain that that is not normally how you act, or at least explain that there is more to you than just what they saw that evening, and you would like a second chance to show them the real you. You are not apologizing for your personality, but you can let someone know that you are aware of your first impression, and want to show a more rounded personality instead of just what was revealed during the first meeting.

4 – Modify. Did you dominate the conversation last time? Well, it is now time to ask lots of questions and listen. Were you so shy and quiet last time that the person thought you were bored or uninterested? Then next time you need to be engaged, make lots of eye contact, use active listening skills, and show enthusiasm. Did last meeting sound like an interview to the person? Okay, time to lighten up, stick to general topics for now, and give the person time to open up.

5 – Try your best. Continue to try to be aware of you own first impressions, and modify when appropriate. But also accept the fact that not everyone will like you or get along with you, as there are different personalities out there. The point is that people do not have to love you, but they should at least feel comfortable with you on a first meeting.

For anyone experiencing this challenge, I invite you to consider communication coaching. There are things that can be learned to make sure you make a great first impression every time, with anyone. Feel free to contact me with any questions or comments.

Communicating Loyalty to Staff

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I recently attended a seminar where the presenter talked about the value of good or even great customer service in all types of industries. He actually has a background in the restaurant and hospitality industries, so as you can imagine there was a lot of discussion about good and bad service at restaurants, and how to handle complaining customers, even if you are sure they are ‘scamming’ you for ‘free-bees’. His solution was across-the-board give in and put out. Give in to their complaints and give them complimentary food, coupons, etc. I have to admit my stomach was unsettled.

Many of us have heard the mantra “The customer is always right.” But my question is, what type of message are we, as a worker, a manager, a company or a society giving when we give in 100% to fraudsters? Does that very act not devalue our company? Does it not encourage people to continue to shout loudly for free stuff? And how do you think your company waitresses, clerks, phone operators etc. feel when they are told they must accept the abuse?

Years ago when I worked for a global financial company I had the dubious honour of working both customer service AND collections! So my phone calls were often dealing with angry or complaining clients. I developed some pretty cool conflict management techniques, which I can share with you another time. But for today I want to tell you about the time a client called and was complaining loudly, swearing, and not listening to my calm appeals to slow down, and to dignify her language.

I advised her to stop swearing, and when she didn’t stop, and wouldn’t listen to a word I was saying, I simply hung up on her! Yes, you heard me, I disconnected the call.

She called my manager and obviously complained about that action, to which my manager asked me to tell her the reason. I explained that the client would not calm down and refused to heed my warning about her foul language, so I disconnected.

My manager thanked me, returned to her desk, took the client off hold, and said “yes the reason why Ric hung up on you is that we do not tolerate aggressive or abusive language here.”

The client was shocked for 5 seconds, and then immediately began apologizing for her previous behaviour, and then my manager went on to help her get the problem sorted out peacefully, which any one of us could have done had the client been calmer in the first place. I was very proud of my manager that day.

We often want our clients and customers to be loyal to our company right? Well we cannot forget to be loyal to our front-line workers, staff and managers. Loyalty seems to be a two-way street, and many of us are sick and tired of taking abuse because of an old mantra. So take care of your workers and they will take care of your customers. Loyalty must be communicated in the company first, and then it will be communicated outside as well, with little problem. Set some ground rules for your staff on how to handle complaints, and let them know you will support them, and not leave them dealing with angry people all by themselves. Build a strong team for a successful business! 

This story is always included in my customer service training, because it’s important for both staff and management to come to an understanding of the policies during a conflict resolution that gets out of hand.  Often this article is a starting point for that conversation.  🙂

Giving Confident Presentations

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You can deliver confident and powerful presentations!

All it takes is a little preparation, some practice, and a winning mindset.

You’ve been asked to give a presentation. Congratulations! This is your chance to shine. If you’re like most people, you probably don’t like presenting very much.

So, read on for some simple tips you can use to conquer your worries. With these simple tips, you’ll be ready to go in no time, feeling confident, and fully prepared.

First, there are a few things I want to point out:

  1. Know that you were asked to present, because you can do it—you wouldn’t have been asked otherwise.
  2. No one really likes presenting. Some of the best, most well known speakers and actors have confessed to this. So, when you look out at your audience, know that you’re always in good company.
  3. What actually comes out of your mouth is only about 7% of what gets communicated. That leaves 93% to non-verbal communication. That means if your body language, tone, expression and gestures communicate confidence, you will come across as confident.

But just how do you create this confidence?

Here’s the secret: being prepared; practicing; and having identified beforehand, instant solutions for de-stressing.

Henry Ford said “Whether you think you can or cannot, you are right!”

So here is how you’re going to get prepared, confidently go in there, and knock their socks off!

Confidence builder #1: Know your content

  • Identify your key messages—bullet them in order so they tell a clear story.
  • Jot down cues for your key messages (e.g. on flashcards, paper, etc.).
  • Have them ready as back up (but remember to refrain from reading them word-for-word while presenting).
  • Enhance your messages with supporting tools and interesting visuals—it will be a perk for your audience, and it takes the spotlight off of you.
  • Be sure to tap into your resources—know a graphic design expert? A presenter? A communication coach? (he he!) Ask for their advice.

Confidence builder #2: Practice makes it a “piece of cake”

  • Practice delivery of your lines. Do this in the mirror.
  • You might feel funny talking to yourself, but it works.
  • Watch your body language.
  • Find your “confident look.”
  • Stand straight and be sure to use smooth hand gestures, and limit unnecessary movement (e.g. rocking back and forth from one foot to the other).
  • Practice until the words flow like water.
  • When you are ready, practice in front of a friend or two.
  • Ask them each for 3 things you did well and 1 thing you could improve.

Confidence builder #3: Create your “winning scene”

  • Visualize yourself delivering your presentation.
  • Then see your audience’s positive reaction.
  • What does that “winning scene” look like for you?
  • Visualize it over and over until you can see it so clearly, you know what colour of socks your boss is wearing!

Confidence builder #4: Go for it!

  • Identify ways to calm your nerves before you even begin: take deep breaths, or find whatever works for you.
  • Squelch any negative thoughts or concerns by envisioning your “winning scene.”
  • Think positive. Remember: “If you think you can, you can.”
  • As you present, keep eye contact with as many people as you can—this also conveys confidence.
  • If it helps, determine a shape in your mind and make eye contact around the room as though you were creating that shape with your line of vision.
  • Be sure to keep your pace s…l…o…w. Many of us tend to speed talk when presenting, and so, often what might sound slow to us sounds just right to the listener.

I hope this advice helps you with your next presentation. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask! I would love to hear from you – and offer free consultations.  🙂

The 7Cs of Effective Communication

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I am a big fan of themes! If you have been reading my blog and newsletters for a while now, you will notice that I like to use acronyms, abbreviations, and cute ways to remember things. This is due to my need and dare I say ability to take detailed information from various sources and condense it into an easy way to remember it, so that I can use it when I need it. Today we are travelling the ‘7Cs’ of effective communication.

Control – Control yourself, your body language, pace, tone, etc., and control the audience or listener. Control the topic and avoid big digressions, control your emotions, control the venue if possible so as to be in a comfortable area and room.

Conversational – do not lecture, do not whine, and do not get angry or over-emotional. Have a conversation. No matter what the other person or people do, in a meeting, negotiation, when a customer is complaining, etc. keep control and keep it conversational. This means back and forth, active listening, and not getting over-emotional for no good reason. Do not get sucked into an argument that will harm your image or relationships later.

Confidence – people are less likely to challenge you and more likely to follow you if you present yourself with confidence. Your voice should be loud enough and at a controlled pace, your body language should be strong (but not stiff) with a straight back, meaningful gestures, great eye contact, etc. and the content of your speech, presentation or point to be made should also come from a confident place, i.e. you know what you are talking about! Do not think that BS will work all the time with everyone. When you have researched and prepared well, you feel confident, and you can let that shine through!

Competency – you have to back it up. Whatever you are saying or selling, be not only prepared but able to back it up. You must be good at what you are suggesting others follow you on as well, if you are asking for a leadership role. Why should I listen to you? Answer that question before you meet the group.

Calm – If you are calm, they are more likely to both calm down others (if agitated) and to continue to communicate calmly. Control your breathing, pace, volume, etc. in a relaxed way. Use rhythmic gestures as well. Nothing fast and darting. Think yoga movements!

Clear – Do not beat around the bush. State exactly what you want people to do, or why they should follow you. Don’t let people guess your meaning. State clearly your objectives or desires, and people will respect you for your leadership and ideas. Please still include the 3Ps (Polite, Professional, Positive) when you deliver your message though.

Concise – Do not waste valuable time. Say what you have to say and ask what you need from your listener or team, and then let them go. When giving suggestions or advice or orders, give them with appropriate details delivered in a short, concise way.

I hope that you have learned how to use these 7Cs and can start implementing them today in your personal and professional communications. Any questions? Please do not hesitate to get in touch with me. Thank you all!

The 3Ps of Communication

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Before I tell you about the 3Ps, I just want to thank all of you who have attended my previous workshops/coaching sessions. Thank you very much for your support and your referrals. Remember, I take requests! So please, get in touch with me if you have any questions about small group or private coaching, on any communication challenge you would like to overcome.

Okay, here we go:

The 3Ps are easy to remember and implement. They are something you can keep in the back of your mind when you are communicating in person, over the phone or in writing to give the proper, purposeful tone that you would hope to get from others.

Professional – yes, the first one was a no-brainer. But what exactly does it mean to be professional? It means to be diplomatic, to not show stress, to listen carefully to others who may be complaining or challenging you, and it means to keep in mind at all times that you are a reflection of your company or organization. You cannot afford to take things personally.

Polite – This means at all times, especially in Canada, using or even over-using polite words, phrases and intonation. Notice that it is not enough just to use the words and phrases. We must use a sincere tone, or else we lose credibility. Snapping a “Well I’m sorry, but that’s our policy” to a customer is not perceived as polite. What would you think? What would you prefer to hear? Care about your company, your job, your role. Try to help people even if they are angry and blaming you.

Positive – Use positive words and phrases. Use open body language. Talk about what you or ‘we’ CAN do in the situation, not CANNOT do. Focus on the solution. If you must give negative feedback, accentuate the positive first. Use phrases like ‘remember’, instead of ‘don’t forget’. Use ‘I’ statements not ‘you’ statements, to show your feelings, not a finger-wagging accusation.

Remember the 3Ps of successful communication the next time you are doing business, and I am sure you will inspire others to follow your lead.

Toronto Communication Workshop – This Sat. Feb. 24th!

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brasiMPACT: Communication Skills Refinement; Impact and Influence

An intensive, hands-on communications training workshop designed to help individuals maximize their potential for team work and leadership. Training includes practical work in the classroom on accent improvement, presentation & public speaking skills, understanding body language, and other applied communication skills.

This is ideal for immigrants working or wanting to work in a professional environment.

BRASI (Business Research And Service Institute) has been running training courses for higher productivity since 1981. You need not be affiliated with BRASI to join this workshop.
Ric Phillips, Communication Coach, will be teaching and running the workshop.

This workshop will be held at the York University Executive Learning Centre (Schulich) from 9:00 AM to 3:00 PM
Lunch will be provided. Free parking as well!

Cost is $185.00.

If interested please visit this link to register:

http://www.brasi.org/english.php

You can contact Aftab Khan directly at 416-388-8556 or Ric Phillips at 416-429-7935.

We hope to hear from you soon!

Thank you.

R-E-O Improves Your Active Listening Skills

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Active listening skills are important to utilize in your everyday life, in the workplace and at home. Passively listening while multi-tasking several things can give the impression that you are not paying attention, and could cause people to avoid you or maybe even resent you.

Recently I met a senior manager at a global financial company who has had the benefit of over 20 years of the best sales and management training.  He knew that we all need a reminder once in a while of the simple communication strategies that work best. He agreed that active listening skills are very valuable and can make the difference between a sale and a loss.  Also, he mentioned that we do not want our colleagues to think that we are not listening, or do not care about their problems. Active listening can really help.  Here is a simple formula to help you – REO.

R – Reflect back or ‘paraphrase’ their main ideas, content, key words and ideas. You need not use the exact same phrase or sentences; rather just serve back the message that you got their main points. The beauty of this is that it immediately gives an opportunity to clear up any miscommunication right at the beginning of the conversation, as opposed to getting halfway through only then to realize you weren’t following the whole picture, and you have to start again from the top.

E – Empathy is a showing of a shared feeling and understanding of the emotional impact of the speaker’s situation. Do not judge, and please hold your own opinion. If you need to illustrate that you understand, briefly mention the basics of your story. This is not the time to take over the conversation. Your job is to listen actively and pay attention to their emotional state and body language. This is why you must be making eye-contact to be a good listener!

O – Open-ended questions can be asked to get more information, background, details that will help you and them discover a solution to the problem. We cannot ask a question that begs a Yes or No answer. We must ask questions that have them talking freely, in their own words. For example we should not ask “Are you going to request a transfer?” but rather ask “What are your options on changing your current situation?”

Also, please remember to be careful with starting your questions with the word ‘Why’. It usually sounds like you are challenging or criticizing the person. For example, “Why are you taking vacation now?” could be changed to “What are the reasons of taking your vacation now, as opposed to next month when things have slowed down here?”

I hope you find R-E-O a useful communication tool. As always feel free to contact me should you have any questions or comments about posts, ebooks, workshops, or personal coaching.