Category Archives: Interpersonal Communications

Interpersonal human communications

Detecting Lies and Insincerity

Leave a reply

It’s a terrible subject, I know, but it is a reality to be reckoned with in our daily business and social lives. In business we may meet a dishonest sales person, a customer trying to cheat their way to a complimentary item, the manipulative opposing team member in negotiations. In our daily life, think blind date, “friendly” neighbour, and some teenagers.

Lie detection is not an exact science, or else our courts would have a much swifter and more accurate delivery system of justice. However, there are some clues that we can pay attention to, and keep a mental file on certain people and their behaviours. Observation is the key here, but don’t jump to conclusions based on one gesture or comment! Look for synchronicity, or lack thereof.

If we follow the 3V Communications philosophy, we should look at 3 areas: verbal, vocal, and visual cues.

Verbal cues:

Stammering e.g. Uh…ah…uhmm…well…

Illogical order of a story, with “forgotten” details

Nonsense

Start and stop stories

Too many “neat” details that you didn’t ask for

Sounds too well prepared or rehearsed

Vocal cues:

Hesitating, shaky voice

Inconsistent pitch. Sharp rises in tone

Fast speed, then long pauses

Unemotional. Could be rehearsed

Visual Cues:

Face – blushing, or flushing

Nose – touching or rubbing the side (i.e. not a natural scratch)

Hands – closed palms, or hiding palms or entire hands under the table or in pockets. (Note: open hands have traditionally meant “no weapons”, open communication, friendliness, trust)

Eyes – lack of eye contact, or darting glances back and forth, or looking up and to the right, which can mean “visually constructing something”

Mouth – weird smile, especially with closed lips. Showing teeth usually is more genuine. Closed lips are a sign of a forced smile. Also hiding or covering the mouth is a non-verbal cue of “covering” the lie

An awkward laugh is also a sign of embarrassment, nervousness or deceit

The lesson here is to pay attention to people you meet and do business with, and try to make yourself observe more each day. Look for synchronicity between the 3Vs and the chances are higher that you will find the truth, in any situation. But remember, these things by themselves are not “smoking guns”. Follow up as you see fit, but keep your cool, in case you are wrong! Good luck detective!

Improve your body language, improve your confidence!

Leave a reply

Improve your body language, improve your confidence!

The way that you move your body and walk has an enormous effect on the way that you feel and your confidence levels.

Let’s start with an exercise.
Imagine there are two people standing in front of you – one with “negative body language” and one with “positive body language”.

I’d now like you to write down what you are observing with each of these people.

 

Positive Body Lang.

Negative Body Lang.
How are they standing?

 
Where are their eyes looking?

 
Where have they got their head?

 
How are they talking?

 

 
How are they moving?

 

  

 

You know, how you feel at any moment in time is linked to what is going on in your head and how you are moving your body. The way that you move sends subconscious messages to your mind and this either helps or hinders the way that you feel.

Emotion is created by motion. If you sit still for a long period of time your natural energy levels automatically lower. And what happens when you get up, walk around and return to your seat? Yes, you have more energy and you’re given a boost. I can’t stress how important it is to move and act confidently and positively.

You will give off all the right vibes to everyone around you and it will make them think that you are confident even if you’re not feeling it inside.

Yes, that’s right. Even if you’re not feeling confident, act as though you are.

So, how do you do this?

Well, controlled and with a purpose. Don’t saunter along aimlessly. Walk like you know exactly where you’re going and keep your head up, chin level. Gesture with your hands as you talk, it will create motion and you know what that leads to – EMOTION!

The right gestures also have a major impact on building rapport.  Smooth, engaging gestures work best, especially those that match and complement your words and speech patterns. And don’t forget to smile!

Think for a moment about your confidence role model.

One thing that he/she and confident people in general have in common is that they all probably smile a lot and are happier than their negative counterparts. It may sound silly, but there is a lot of power associated with a smile. So what I would like you to do is to start smiling more often.

Now, that doesn’t mean that you have to walk around with a silly grin on your face all of the time.

But smile as you walk down the street, when you talk to someone, even when you look in the mirror at yourself. You will be surprised at how better you will feel for it, and it will project a positive image to all others – one that will attract opportunities and people.

Remember that confident people are happy people and negative people are not.
Happy people are also seen as more attractive than unhappy and sad people so that is an added bonus!

So in closing, be aware that your body movements can and will affect how you feel and how others perceive you, and also remember that you can proactively help to project a confident image with some simple, minor adjustments any time of the day.

Proof that Networking Works!

Leave a reply

I recently attended a Networking Seminar, hosted by the Pakistani Professionals Forum of Canada (www.ppfcanada.com) where the famous author/presenter/columnist Colleen Clarke (www.colleenclarke.com) was the guest speaker.

Now for me, this was an early Christmas gift, as I have been reading Colleen’s columns for 3 years now, and incorporating her articles into my coaching/teaching sessions whenever I help people with their employment skills, cover letters, resumes, interviewing techniques etc.

During group discussion at the seminar I had mentioned my opinion on how immigrants could better enter or deal with the Canadian professional workforce. Simply speaking, I suggested that there will be at least 3 cultures on the table: Canadian, Original or Mother Country, and Corporate Culture. So, which one is the easiest for everyone to find some common ground?

The International business culture for sure. Yes it is important that new Canadians understand why we love hockey and Tim Hortons, and why we think we are in some ways better than Americans, and why B.C. hates Ontario. And it is also important that the Canadians learn about other cultures, rituals and histories, especially those belonging to our new co-workers, bosses or clients. But the easiest starting point for anyone is the business or corporate culture of North America. This is the easiest transition for an immigrant.

So if you are a newcomer to Canada, make sure that you are learning how to write letters, memos and emails in our style. Make sure you are learning which expressions and idioms are acceptable. Make sure you are learning business etiquette on the simple things like how to shake hands with a smile and eye contact, how to negotiate without being perceived as too strong or too weak, how to make small talk with your co-workers at the water-cooler. We all agree that hard skills are not enough these days in Canada. We need excellent soft skills too.

Speaking of, after the seminar I approached Colleen to buy her book and chat once more, i.e. network! That evening she called me and interviewed me on my views previously mentioned in the seminar. We talked for 20 minutes and had great rapport. I believe she will cite me as a reference in an upcoming weekly article. I felt thankful that my ability to communicate my ideas in the seminar and face to face had paid off with a new, important contact. My story is more proof that effective professional communication skills are important for networking, for understanding, for success in business here.

Do you know anyone who is in need of small talk, rapport-building skills? If so, please direct them to my website (www.communicationcoach.ca) and let them know I offer free consultations.  🙂

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and let’s all have a bright, successful money-making New Year!

Become an Expert Listener

Leave a reply

As a Communication Coach I get asked all the time “How can I improve my communication skills?” by accountants and engineers, by ESL students, by immigrants, by counsellors. I always start with the same response: “Become a great listener!” When they ask me how they can do that, I then start to break it down. I can’t tell you all the secrets to listening just now, but here is some quick advice to help you become a better communicator with friends, family, co-workers, and employees.

When you become an expert listener it means that the other person is doing most of the talking. When you go into a situation where you are meeting someone for the first time go into that encounter with only one thing on your mind – THEM. You must treat that person as though they are the most important person in the world, because to them they are!

To build up rapport and to engage in a conversation ask questions and be intrigued about the other person, not yourself.

So, what do you talk to the other person about?

Well, like I said before, you don’t! You let them do most of the talking and by doing this they will think that you walk on water and will in turn ask about you and that’s when YOU talk!

So how do you engage the other person into talking? To do this it is important to understand what other people like to talk to about.

Here is the TOP 5 in order:

1. Themselves

2. Their own opinions

3. Other people

4. Things

5. You

Body Language Quick Hints

Leave a reply

The way that we communicate non-verbally with our appearance, posture, gesture, gaze and expression can be such a powerful tool in the way that we feel and when communicating with others.

The manner in which you communicate your interpersonal skills are very important.  Effective communication is vital if you are going to succeed no matter what you are doing.

The way in which we communicate with people is broken down into components, and it is popularly believed that people to whom we are speaking understand what we say by interpreting these different elements in varying proportions.  The 7-38-55 ‘rule’ is popular in lore, but it’s based on a small and limited experiments done in the 1960s by Dr. Albert Mehrabian, and is not meant to cover all scenarios of communication.  The studies he did concluded that 7% of communication (intended attitude and feelings mostly) comes through words, 38% through voice, and 55% through facial expressions.  However, even if the numbers are not exact in most scenarios, think of my “3 Vs” as a general principle:

VERBAL

% of our message is interpreted from the words we use, including grammar.

VOCAL

% is picked up from our voice – speed, tone, pitch, rhythm etc.

VISUAL

% is what the other person sees – our body language, gestures, environment etc.

The “3 Vs” would then make up a fourth – VIBE – the overall feeling we send and receive.

Whole books are written on body language, but here are some quick fixes and recommendations that you should start to put into practice:

· Dress to win – Look at your appearance and ask yourself:

· Do I feel confident?

· Do I look confident?

· What could I do with my appearance to give me the edge?

· Handshakes – Never give a limp wrist handshake, make sure it is firm but not too hard

· Smile a lot more than you have been doing – even if you are a comedian! Smiles generate trust, openness and more smiles!

· Walk tall with your head and shoulders back. Walk at a quick, controlled pace breathing calmly.

· When you talk to people look them straight in the eye.

· Keep on moving – Motion creates positive emotion!

· If you are ever feeling down, just have a look at your body language and change it immediately. You WILL start to feel better and more confident immediately. Take a brisk walk if need be.

· First impressions count – so when you are going to meet people for the first time, think of what first impression you want to give them. A smiling face? A good remark? Firm handshake? Etc. Life is filled with first impressions…over and over and over again!

· Take more notice of other peoples’ body language. You can normally tell what others are feeling by the way that they are moving and using their body too. You can use this to your advantage when you are more aware of it. This is useful in meetings, negotiations, presentations, sales pitches, and yes, even on dates!

Good luck!

The 3-V Effect

Leave a reply

Hello everyone!

Whenever you are considering how you communicate with people, please always ensure that
you are working the “3-V effect.”

That is, communication consists of Verbal, Vocal and Visual elements.
Verbal is your word choice. What impression or message do you want to
send? Choose your words carefully, and ones that your “audience” can
relate to, and understand.

Vocally send a message that matches your content. Loud or soft voice?
Are you including proper word stress? Sentence stress? Intonation?

Visually what message are you giving when your shoes are polished,
your teeth clean, your PowerPoint presentation short and sweet? Let’s
not forget body language like eye contact and smiling at the
appropriate times, just to name a few things.

So for now, just consider the 3-V effect when you are out there
communicating to people. I’m sure it will enhance your personal and
professional presentations!