Category Archives: Interpersonal Communications

Interpersonal human communications

Learning to Fight so You Don’t Have to Fight

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As a lifelong martial artist, and current BJJ (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu) roller, I can relate to this meme.  Many people will agree that martial arts training, regardless of the art, will increase one’s confidence.  Having said that – please be aware that it is very possible to be fed incorrect information and be trained in fighting theory and technique that actually does not work, which is very bad if something serious should ever happen.  However the individual still gains confidence from the training.  It is confidence built with a house of cards, but to the individual, from their perspective (before the illusion is shattered) they feel secure and confident.  My quick advice is if you are interested in training in a martial art, or enrolling a child in some classes, do plenty of research on the art, the school, the teacher, etc. to make sure your personal goals are aligned.  Now go train!  🙂

Seth Godin: Confidence is a Choice, not a Symptom

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“The batter has already hit two home runs. When he gets up to bat for the third time, his confidence is running high…

It’s easy to feel confident when we’re on a roll, when the cards are going our way, or we’re closing sales right and left. This symptomatic confidence, one built on a recent series of successes, isn’t particularly difficult to accomplish or useful.

Effective confidence comes from within, it’s not the result of external events. The confident salesperson is likely to close more sales. The confident violinist expresses more of the music. The confident leader points us to the places we want (and need) to go.

You succeed because you’ve chosen to be confident. It’s not really useful to require yourself to be successful before you’re able to become confident.”

Posted by Seth Godin on March 16, 2014

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Why I Don’t Make New Year Resolutions (and Why You Shouldn’t Either)

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As the New Year approaches it is quite normal for us all to think introspectively and then talk about what our exciting resolutions will be, to ensure we start this year off on the right foot (not like last year). We hear the reporters interviewing folks on the street, and we read the bloggers giving their best tips to set and achieve new goals.  We read motivating books and then make pacts with friends and family members to enlist their help in keeping us on the winning path to 2014 success.  Sounds like a good thing.
We are often nervous about it all, thinking of the work that needs to be done or the hard sacrifices that need to be made, yet at the same time we are excited at the rosy vision of a new person – the person you really want to be.  We imagine how this year will be so different from, well, yesterday.  We create a psychological distance with our brain to think that the two years, the ‘old’ one and the ‘new’ one, are going to be completely different.  Wow – what an idyllic scene.
Back in 2008 I wrote a blog about why 90% of New Years resolutions fail.  That blog got the attention of an intern at CBC News and I was called in to discuss on New Years morning, hangover and all, my thoughts on how to really set goals and achieve newness.  As an upstart entrepreneur eagerly attempting to get my name out there as The Communication Coach in Toronto I accepted the live interview request, and all in all it went smoothly.  I gave a no frills formula on B.E.S.T. goals, with the advice to make your goals Believable, Enthusiastic, Specific and Time-based.  What I remember most about that interview was the last question the reporter asked me.  Because it was live and unscripted I had no idea she was going to end our interview with “Do you have a resolution?”   Before I could even think of anything to say I blurted out the truth.  The truth of how I really felt about all this goal setting and last minute resolution stuff.  I answered that I don’t make resolutions!  WOW – the coach brought on TV to talk about how to set and keep resolutions admits he doesn’t even believe in them!  That’s right.  The reporter laughed at my candidness, and I think she was relieved in a way too, probably because she shared my views.  I continued to say that it’s about planning all year round, small goals to achieve bigger goals, and then went for the throat on the whole interview by confidently stating that we should not even be using the term ‘New Year Resolutions’ because one can simply predict based on current lifestyle and habits what is going to happen in the new year.  We should all talk about New Years Expectations! 
So there you have it folks.  Instead of talking about our fantasy life that is instantly going to happen at the stroke of midnight December 31stas we focus our energy on a handful of life-altering decisions, why don’t we instead take stock of our current reality?  Start with the idea that if you didn’t make any changes – what would happen, or not happen, or change, or not change, in 2014?  And are you okay with that?  Maybe you are already on the path to success.  Maybe you have already started making decisions in your head that are firm.  Maybe you are sick and tired of something, or of not having something, and are well on your way to making changes with a determined mind.  You may not need a special day to find resolve.  You are doing it.  Maybe the first habit we should break is the habit of making New Year resolutions! 
Finally, as I wrap up this admission of why I don’t make January first resolutions, I leave you with this.  Today when my wife told me all the things she is going to try to change, a quiver of emotional pain in her voice at the thought of forcing herself to do things that are ‘good for her’ to do, I wondered if she realized how great she already is, and how much she has ‘improved’ since we first met.  I then reflected on my current lifestyle, including the work I am doing with 3V and with YEDI, what I eat for food, how I treat my family and friends, and how often I go to do BJJ (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu), and I honestly thought that I’m doing pretty good too.  I do not feel guilty about having a holiday break to relax, and I am energized to get back to it all, and to hit the ground running.  I am not making major changes tomorrow.  I am already in the process. 🙂
Best of luck to you and yours in 2014!
P.S.
If you are curious to see a flash from my past, you can view that 2008 New Years interview on CBC and even the year after when I was invited back on my YouTube channel here: http://www.youtube.com/user/CommCoach73/videos
Happy New Year!!!

Can Effective Communication Skills Get More Out of Our Managers?

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This fresh advertisement is suggesting so.  But why is that?
It’s because managers are the ‘hub’ of an office or other organization.  They translate what the top level or C-suite folks who develop or interpret the vision really want (as far as action goes), and then carry out the communications and processes involved in getting the message to the remaining staff.  The manager, including the Human Resources (HR) personnel, supervisors, and often consultants and high level contractors have to truly understand what the higher ups want, and that takes empathy, active listening skills, often the ability to read non-verbal communication (like body language) correctly, and patience.  These are all great communication skills.  Then they must deliver this information to other managers, front-line staff, contractors and other co-workers of some type.  This takes interpersonal skills, conflict management skills, the skill of delegation, giving direction and feedback effectively without offending others, etc.  These are all excellent communication qualities to have.  So – if you think about it – a manager is quite busy talking to many different people all day above, beside and below them, and we didn’t even discuss conversations with suppliers, vendors, clients and whoever else might cross their path!

We all should be glad if we have (or had) a manager who displayed excellent communication skills.  Because as we see here, it’s very complicated, and unfortunately it’s not very common to find a great manager.  If you have one – tell them tomorrow!
If you ARE a manager, what can you do to evaluate your current communication skills and then make them better if needed?  It starts with a good self-assessment, and maybe deep consideration of any recent feedback.

Here is a great article on the importance of communication skills, and you can use this article as a top 10 checklist to help evaluate your current strengths and weaknesses.

https://inlpcenter.org/importance-of-communication-skills/

Best of luck!

7 Secrets to Confidence

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Are there some hidden secrets to confidence that only the confident, charismatic leaders know and refuse to share with the rest of us?  I doubt it.  If you study the world of confidence, as I do, then I believe you will arrive at similar conclusions as I note below.  Here are a few not-well-kept ‘secrets’ about developing and displaying confidence.  I have chosen to start with these random 7 secrets:

1 – Be calm.  If you want people to listen to you, and follow you, you must show them the way to calmness and security by leading the way yourself.  A confident person has no need to yell, order and argue to convince folks.

2 – Be direct.  Say what you got to say.  Don’t beat around the bush.  You can still say it calmly, and even with friendliness in your voice.  Just make sure there is no confusion.  Be short, sweet and clear.

3 – Have loads of eye contact.  Look them in the eye when you are actively listening to them.  Show respect to gain respect.  Also look them in the eye when attempting to convince them of your opinion or your judgement.  Looking away is not a good way to instill trust. Make a connection by making eye contact – a lot.  Experts say between 70 – 90% in North America.

4 – Your body language should be open and friendly, yet also solid.  We do not want to display threatening, closed or unsure gestures.  We want our body language to be open and engaging so we make sure we have no arms, legs, ankles crossed.  We use gentle but controlled flowing hands, emanating from the ‘truth plane’  – our gut.  We gain a solid vibe by using symmetrical gestures, and having balance in our stance or seated position.  We do not lean awkwardly to one side.  We plant or root our feet to the floor.  A solid base is very important.  Think of yourself like a palm tree – the base is solid but the top flows with the wind and is flexible, so it does not break in a storm.  Be like the palm tree.

5 – Speak with a medium volume voice.  Medium is the rule.  Use medium volume, medium speed, and walk at a medium speed as well.  Match your voice to your pace if walking and talking. Speaking too slowly makes you sound unsure and even boring.  Speaking too fast makes you sound like you are rushing and are not careful or thoughtful.

6 – Be assertive, not aggressive.  Protect yourself and your loved ones, or your team at work.  Stand up for your rights and theirs, but do it in a way that does not undermine your own credibility.  Being assertive means protecting yourself and self-interests.  Being aggressive means bullying to get what you want, regardless of whose best interests it serves.  An aggressive person is always trying to change your mind or force you to do something.  An assertive person is protective and persuasive, yet does not try to force you to agree or change your mind in one sitting. The agendas are different.  The focus of aggressiveness is on the other person, the ‘opponent.’  The focus of assertiveness in on yourself, and your circle.

7 – Trust yourself.  Confidence starts with self-trust.  You must trust your decisions, and your motives behind your actions.  Competence builds confidence, so the more you try, the more you learn, and we all learn mostly through trial and error.  Nothing ventured nothing gained.  Make a decision and go forward.  If you need to revisit it or re-evaluate it later (perhaps based on new data) that’s fine.  A confident person is not blind in their decision-making.  They make the best decision they can, at the time.  They are open-minded enough to consider changes, and if necessary, change course and even apologize.  There is no shame in being wrong.  We all learn from our mistakes.  Part of trusting yourself is also forgiving yourself for being human, and occasionally making mistakes!  🙂

There are more elements to being confident, but for today, these ‘7 secrets’ should get your started in your assessment of yourself and of those around you in leadership positions.

The Body Language of a Warrior

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The Body Language of a Warrior

MusashiI’m currently re-reading an old book I have, called The Martial Artist’s Book of Five Rings: The Definitive Interpretation of Miyamoto Musashi’s Classic Book of Strategy, by Stephen F. Kaufman. This was prompted by my recent viewing of The Samurai Trilogy, the 3 movies created a long time ago to tell the life story of Musashi (1584-1645), who was a real samurai or ronin in the olden days of Japan, and wrote his Book of Five Rings to express his feelings, attitudes and strategies of dueling and of being a warrior.
I came across an excerpt that deals with the body language of a warrior, and I thought to myself: “Wow –this is very specific information on how to set yourself up correctly before a duel!” and as I re-read it, it occurred to me that as a coach, I give very specific instructions on body language, stance, breathing etc. when I am helping clients give a better presentation, or make a winning first impression, for example.  The devil is in the details, perhaps, and so the details must be perfected.

Please enjoy this ‘clip’, and then ask yourself if you were going into a big meeting, interview, giving a talk or PowerPoint, what would your body language convey?  Do you think about it beforehand or just ‘go with the flow?’  I think you know that my advice would be to actually ‘plan’ your vibe that you are sending, just like Musashi did, many years ago.  Here it is, found on page 27:

“I always stress form and balance.  If you are lax in your stances and positioning, then you will be unable to perform your technique effectively.  Focus your concentration on only one thing – making the “hit.”  Narrow your eyes slightly and ever so subtly flare your nostrils.  Always fight with your spine erect and unbent.  Keep your shoulders relaxed and lowered.  Tighten your abdominal muscles and root yourself into the ground.  Make yourself bigger in your mind than you are as a manner of intimidating the enemy.  Slowly work your way toward the enemy until you are ready to strike.  Then do so with utmost conviction, quickness, and power.  Keep your weapons ready at all times.  You should practice the proper stances and movements prior to using any fighting technique and in this manner establish your own sense of being through your particular art.  How often have you witnessed so-called experts with no form or balance?”

TTC Gets an A for Effort on ‘Personal Car’ April 1st Video

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Many companies and celebrities had fun with this year’s April Fool’s Day, including the TTC – Toronto Transit Commission.  I watched the above video, knowing it was a gag, and felt smug knowing I don’t break any social rules while in transit.  I see plenty of people who do.  I hate their actions.  I don’t hate them as a person, but I hate what they seemingly represent – a nameless member of a crowd who can do anything they want to and they know no one will call them on it – at least in Toronto (because ‘everyone is weird here anyway’, right?)

I give the TTC an A for effort with this video, but a B at best for performance.  No worries – it wasn’t supposed to be an expensive training video – just a gag with a point.  And I love their point.

We as riders love to complain about the TTC staff (drivers and operators) and sometimes they deserve it, but I love the fact that this video illustrates the more pervasive issue on the transit, and that is customer behaviour.   I almost wish (almost…) that TTC employed ‘social police’ that would come around the trains and give out warnings and tickets for fines to the people who listen loudly to their music on their phones (with no head phones), who put their bags all over the floor or in the seat next to them, who stand broadly in front of the doors that people need to exit and board from, who pig out loudly and messily, and those that have inappropriate loud conversations with friends in person or over the phone.  I’ve heard hard-core cursing, racism, sexism and general craziness during my rides over the years!  I’ve seen a dude roll a joint in a busy car at rush hour without a care in the world.  I’ve seen scam artists try to persuade others to give them money.

I’ve also seen kindness, tolerance, patience and happiness, and that is what I mostly see every day.

I am glad to know that I am one of the many positive contributors to a better way on the TTC.  I hope this video helps to create more.  Good job TTC!

Short Video Highlights 3V Coaching & Training Options

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Learn about Ric Phillips and 3V Communications coaching, including body language. Options for communication coaching/training include interpersonal/professional communication skills, public speaking, presentations, body language, business ESL, etc. We help you communicate clearly and confidently. Please enjoy this short video that highlights key aspects of our communication coaching and training.  Thank you!