Communication Coach Blog
If you are in the Toronto area, there is a communication workshop coming up soon that you may want to go to. BRASI is sponsoring a one-day workshop and I will be doing the training. For more information please follow this link to the BRASI website. IF interested, register through BRASI.
(Aftab Khan is the contact person there).
http://www.brasi.org/english.php
Thanks! I am on vacation for a week so am unable to respond to any questions until I get back on the 17th.
Hello everyone! I hope you are all having a great summer and not working too hard.
Today I would like to remind you of something I am often repeating in training – assist your listener. Sometimes we can get caught up in our own speaking that we neglect the listener. We may be speaking too quickly, or too quietly, or without enthusiasm or proper stress, or we may be speaking over or under people’s intelligence levels.
Think in the past of someone who spoke to you that way. How did you feel? I hope and assume it was not done on purpose, but still, what is your typical reaction to someone who seems to be pontificating on and on, or otherwise seems to not need you in the conversation? Half of the time my reaction is to just stare with utter amazement! The other half of the time I actively re-balance the conversation with no egos bruised. Would you like to know how to do that? Great! Sign up for coaching! (ha ha).
Our public speaking performance improvement is great for our personal success, of course, but we cannot forget that if we lose our listener’s attention or respect, it is game over. No matter how eloquent of a speaker you may be or how fast you can speak, the important thing to remember is that communication is a dance. You need at least one other person working with you right?
So the next time you have lots to say, are excited, in a hurry, at work presenting ideas or whatever, remember to pause and mentally self-evaluate your delivery tools: volume, speed, rhythm, appropriate vocabulary etc. and ask yourself – can my partner/listener/audience/client/student etc. completely follow me? Do they have enough time to process the information being thrown at them? Are they engaged in this conversation or are they just passively waiting for their turn to speak? If so, what responsibility do you take in that situation? I hope from now on you take a lot of personal interest and responsibility in the ebb and flow of your conversations, and are careful to assist your listener at all times, especially when your listeners change frequently throughout the day, week, month, year and lifetime!
I am enjoying my time in Japan. I have spent my time in Yokohama, Tokyo and Kyoto. Although I have been working with Japanese people in Toronto for 8 years this is actually my first visit here. There are many things I could write about, but today I will focus on the politeness that is mandatory here.
Some of you may consider yourselves very polite, and/or very courteous in your job. I myself used to work in customer service so I understand how to be polite, even when handling disputes.
What I would like to mention today is how mandatory politeness seems to be here. Even if I do not enter a shop, the clerks are still greeting the people walking by. If you do enter the shop or restaurant etc. then of course they will welcome you again. And usually it is not just one person but several. When you are paying for your food or product they are very polite in how they handle your money or credit card. Very respectful indeed and very gentle. It goes without saying that all of this is happening with a smile and with a soft tone of voice. Finally, when you leave they thank you for your business.
One of the strangest things I have seen here so far was when we went through a toll booth, and both the driver and worker exchanged ‘good mornings’ and ‘thank yous’, in addition to an electronic image of a worker bowing to the driver!
I cannot say for sure how much of this society’s politeness is forced, conditioned, or genuine, but it is definitely expected, and to not act politely is a terrible social offense here.
I really like the calmness of the people and the politeness of the service industry. It certainly is better than a lot of customer service in the world, and there are a few staff workers in the past that I have dealt with that could use this kind of training. The politeness is standard here too, so you can expect it and count on it. In other countries, we seem to be thrilled to get excellent customer service or to get a happy, efficient staff worker. Here, it happens 99% of the time.
The big question remaining is, I suppose, how do the Japanese feel about it, and how do they feel about the perceived lack of social and professional courtesy when they travel or emigrate? If you know a Japanese person in your circle, why don’t you ask them?
All the best from the land of the rising sun!
Today’s mini-lesson is simple. Be simpler.
Is simple a bad thing? No. (See? A simple answer!)
As a communication and career coach I have seen resumes and cover letters that are too ‘wordy’ and absolutely unclear. This little advice is not just for resumes and CVs, it is also for presentations, speeches, meetings, etc. or just plain conversation.
If you are using ESL – English as a second language – then you are already probably a little nervous about what you say and how you say it. Let me give you some good advice that you can smile with: simplify your language and communications. Do not over-complicate it all. We do not think a person is stupid just because they use simple, easy-to-use English. We often choose the simplest form of speech as it is the most direct and quickest. However if you are using too many big words and are over-polite and too formal etc. we then might think that you are not very comfortable in our world of casual no-nonsense ‘direct’ language.
Think about it. Simplify your thoughts before writing out a ‘thick’ resume or letter. Organize your words using common language before you speak.
Simple is best.
Isn’t that good news?
I had a fantastic time training the wonderful, energetic group of participants over the last weekend, at our 3V communication course. The first day focused on interpersonal skills and the second more on professional skills and public speaking.
Anyway, unfortunately due to my over-zealousness to try to give the group all of my best information, the afternoon of the second day ended up seeming a bit rushed. I had packed too much information into the course and workbooks, and although they can read it at home as many times as they like to help digest it, it still felt bad to rush material and examples. Not something I wanted to do.
So it reminds me today of the 75% rule of public speaking and presentations. Only prepare for 75% of the time allotted. That way you have time to slow down, relax, field questions, and even digress a little if necessary. You know story-telling is a natural digression and can dramatically increase audience listening and participation too. Every one likes a good (and hopefully relevant) story!
So in closing today’s brief post I am reminded of a great Japanese saying: “Saru mo ki kara ochiru.” What is the translation? “Sometimes even monkeys fall out of trees!” (Hey I fell out of the tree, but I don’t think I broke anything!)
Until next time.
I am surprised by the number of emails I get where a new contact i.e. a stranger is emailing me for the first time and they just send me a one-liner, with no polite introduction or sign-off. For example:
Hi,
I need to improve my English – what should I do?
Or
Hello,
How can coaching help me? Please explain.
Now I can appreciate that, as the old idiom states, Time is Money. And I realize that in some busy offices or cultures there is little time for ‘fluff’ and people speak directly to each other. HOWEVER in international business communications, it is vital to learn how the other party expects to be communicated with and on what level of formality or politeness to use, especially for the first contact.
Don’t get me wrong – I am not angry or personally offended by these short emails. I can read between the lines and realize that these are people who genuinely are asking for my help, so that they can achieve greater success in their personal and professional lives. I appreciate that and am happy to respond. But my job is to teach communication skills, so today the message is this: Don’t forget the bread when making your sandwich!
When we eat a delicious sandwich we savour the meat or cheese or whatever garnishes are inside, but we need the bread to hold it together from top to bottom, right?
The same is true in polite, professional, positive communications, even emails.
The bread is the polite intro and ending. For example, let’s improve the above emails:
Hi Ric,
I am happy to receive your newsletters, and have learned some interesting communication tips from you. However as English is not my first language, I need to improve it. What should I do?
Any suggestions or resources would be appreciated.
Best regards,
XXXXXXX
Or
Hello Sir,
I am intrigued by your website and broadcasts, and am interested to improve my personal communications, however I am not really sure how coaching can really help me personally. I wonder, could you explain the coaching process in a bit more detail to me, or send me a resource to read?
Thank you very much,
XXXXXXXX
By using the sandwich analogy it serves as a quick reminder to be polite in the beginning and end of your communications, whether speaking or writing, especially when you are communicating with a new person. You want to set the right tone and make a winning first impression.
Thank you and have a good lunch!
As a Communication Coach I get the opportunity to meet and work with people from all walks of life. Sometimes what they are lacking, in addition to “ideal” interpersonal or professional communication skills, is a person or two in their life who they can ‘bounce things off of’, before they go ahead and make a decision that involves others.
Often I fill in for that roll. People ask me if what they are saying matches what they intended to say. They want my opinion on their email or proposal before they send it out. Others ask me to check their speeches (in written form) to see if they can’t be spiced up a bit. The list goes on.
I am honoured and happy to help in these requests, and it reminds me that all of us, even communication coaches, need a trusted friend, family member or mentor to bounce things off of first before communicating the idea to others.
I am lucky I guess, as I have in my ‘circle of influence’ a pool of knowledge to draw from on subjects such as entrepreneurialism, teaching English as second language, marketing, the H.R. profession and so much more. I talk to these few but oh so important people often about my ideas, conflicts, business ambitions and goals in life.
My advice to you today is to ask yourself who can be in your ‘circle of influence’ to help you with your communications. Who do you know and trust to bounce ideas off, to check your emails for content and appropriate messages, or discuss your interview or meetings. They may not call themselves ‘communication coaches’ but they certainly can offer valuable insight and life experience.
Go ahead, don’t be shy – bug them, and bug them often. Just make sure you return the favour to them!
Have a great week!
“Further to your request, I have attached my resume.”
“Further to your request, I am faxing you the contract immediately.”
“Further to your request, I am happy to join you for lunch.”
Which sentence does not fit in? If you said the last one, you are correct. This is a great expression to use, but only in the office. And it is only used in writing and emailing, not in speaking over the phone or in person. It is an older, more formal business English expression, and a good one.
My advice is to use it often, but not always with the same person. If you do, you may sound ‘canned.’ Understand that expression? It means fake and too well-prepared.
If your job requires a lot of business correspondence (i.e. writing) then it is a good idea to have a list of useful expressions (like this one) or even templates available to you on your computer or at your desk. That will help you be more efficient and sound professional!
Just don’t forget to leave it at the office!
That is all for now. Have a good weekend!
Here is a sample of what was taught at a previous public 3V communication skills workshop to help our participants communicate their confidence:
Even though only 7% of our communication is verbal, which is our word choice, phrases and expressions used etc. we still need to acknowledge the impact of what we say on others.
A confident person knows when he or she is good at something, and trusts themselves at all times. They know that the words we say affect our belief system. Not cocky, not meek, a confident person simply states the truth.
Now you finish these sentences with confidence!
I am…
I will…
I trust that…
I can…
I’m able to…
Yes, that’s correct. I am…
I trust you. You can do it. I know because…
We also sometimes use ‘softeners’ when we want to be more diplomatic, professional, non-aggressive and non-offensive. A confident person never wants to offend anyone, and is not easily offended either. They always take the higher ground. They are expert managers of conflict. They are excellent listeners and have developed their empathy levels. They have no need to assert their strength to put others down. They can defend themselves politely, yet firmly. They do not argue. They discuss.
Some example softeners are below.
Would you mind…?
Could you please…?
Could I ask…?
Is it possible to…?
I’m wondering if…?
How do you feel about…?
I’m curious to know…
Sometimes changing a small phrase in your sentence or question will make all the difference between being a confident communicator or a wishy-washy or even offensive speaker. Remember that the next time someone tries to bully you as well.
All the best!
This was a valid question given to me recently by one of my coachees. At first NLP can seem (and sound) daunting and scientifically complicated, but I can help you simplify it and use it everyday.
First of all, NLP stands for Neuro-Linguistic Programming. If you are thinking “brain-language training” you are correct. NLP assists in re-programming or re-conditioning your sub-conscious responses to certain words and situations. Actually it has been around for a while in the coaching world. Richard Bandler and John Grinder founded it in the mid-seventies, heavily based on hypnotherapist Milton H. Erickson’s work.
Do you know the name Anthony (Tony) Robbins? This self-help life coach and motivational speaker (although he hates to be called that) uses the same techniques, but calls them neuro-associative conditioning. I remember seeing Tony Robbins live at a Toronto conference last year. He was amazing, and certainly knew how to ‘condition’ the audience with excitement and energy!
Okay, history lesson over – here is the NLP lesson for today:
…because…
This pattern is useful to help influence, persuade or sell things. Why? Because we are conditioned since childhood to believe whatever answer comes after ‘because’ must be the truth. Think about your childhood. When you did not know an answer to a question, you asked your parents, your teacher, your religious leader. When you asked Why… they answered Because… and it was good enough for you. So even today, as an adult, we are still conditioned to accept the reasons given after this key word as truth. Here is an example of it in use:
Taking your communication skill-set to the next level is beneficial to you because you are aware of the strong need for soft skills in today’s workforce.
OR
Because you know excellent personal communications will benefit your career, you will sign up for Ric’s communication training immediately. (ha ha!)
That is it for now. This is just one example of an NLP word-pattern. As we go along I will introduce more to you, or you can do some research on your own. Now go and practice your new pattern-word on someone, and please check out the coaching programs on this site if you think it will benefit you or someone you know.
Thank you all!
PS – for those of you using English as a second language, I have almost finished creating a new ebook on English idioms, and how to use them wisely. Stay tuned for this new resource.
Thanks again to all of you!