Tag Archives: empathy

Control Your Attitude to Improve Your Communications

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Hello everyone,

Tis the season to be holly, jolly and happy, but unfortunately a few people out there have not received the message.

Yesterday I saw two guys almost get in a fist fight on the subway platform, until an undercover cop broke them up. The day before, during a big snow storm, I heard one driver yell to another to “watch out, or I will push you into the ditch!”  Even though I was not directly involved in either of these cases, I was still struck with a reaction. Actually my reaction was immediately to shake my head and wonder why people would risk hurting themselves or innocent by-standers over something as trivial as their own ego and misplaced sense of competitiveness.

Let me expand my thought process to you on this.

Do I have a healthy ego and strong sense of self? Yes, for sure. I am reasonably confident and assume I can hold my own in any situation. Do I get annoyed or offended if someone does some kind of perceived injustice to me? Yeah, sort of, but not really.

“What kind of strange answer is that?” I hear you scream. It is my reaction to competitive behaviour when I am not involved in a game or sport.

Winter storm driving is not a sport. Shopping is not a sport. Getting in line or queue for the subway train is not a sport. I think you get my point. Competition is for sports and games with rules to follow, to determine a winner. None of the above activities should apply.

I have built up a ‘filter’ so that when something happens to me or around me 99% of the time I do not over-react with emotion and ego, or with a competitive spirit. I do not see it as a contest of wills, of right and wrong, of winning and losing. I instead try my best to empathize with the other person or people, and I give them permission to be a flawed human, just like me. Through empathy I try to connect with them and calmly work at resolving the issue, one way or another.

Empathy is the key to communication. We must try to listen, read body language and see the issue from the other person’s perspective. We do not need to fight, or run away, or apologize, or get riled up with defensiveness. We instead should practice self-control and empathy first.

I know some of you understand exactly what I am saying, and I also know some of you are wondering what happy-pill I just took. 🙂   The truth is (to me anyway) that attitude, self-confidence, self-control, conflict management skills and empathy are huge parts of better communication, and that is why we need to incorporate them. When we get emotional and defensive in attitude, we cannot think as clearly as when we maintain our composure, relate to the key emotions first, then problem solve the situation to a satisfactory resolution.

On a personal note I would like to share something with you. Over 20 years of study and practice in martial arts here in Canada and abroad in Asia have taught me two important things. One: I assume I can fight, and I will always hope to be able to hold my own.  Two: I hate to fight, and will do everything I can to avoid it.

Just because I can do something, does not mean that I should do that thing.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all of you, wherever you are. Enjoy your family time and control your positive attitude, no matter what happens to you or around you.

That will serve you as a gift that keeps on giving, throughout your life, and also for the others around you.

All the best,

Ric

Communication is Needed for Leadership

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I wanted to share with you this excerpt from Dan Schabel’s blog, whom I don’t know, as he interviewed an author, speaker and coach that I do follow, Larina Case, PsyD, MBA. This topic focuses on the importance of communication and confidence (my 2 favourite subjects) and leadership skills. For the full blog article, please visit here:
http://personalbrandingblog.wordpress.com/2008/10/15/conquer-fear-and-add-the-leadership-attribute-to-your-brand/

Is everyone capable of being a great leader? Why or why not?

Everyone is capable of being a great leader in some aspect of their life, either leading themselves or others. If you’re going to lead others, you must first be a great leader of yourself—it’s a prerequisite.
In terms of leading others, I think that about one quarter of leadership ability is natural and the rest is learned.
Inherent or inborn characteristics of great leadership include qualities like thought process (great leaders are often “big picture” people rather than data-driven types, which helps them to create and communicate a powerful vision), and the personality traits openness and conscientiousness. Contrary to popular belief, research has not shown the personality trait of extroversion to correlate with great leaders (not all great leaders are extroverts).

Qualities that can be learned if someone has the interest and desire include the emotional intelligence factors that are so important to leadership—things like self awareness, empathy, confidence, communication, influence, and being a catalyst for change.

What are some common characteristics of great leaders?

Great leaders positively influence others. Two of the most important features of influence are empathy and communication. Empathy is the ability to understand the thoughts and feelings of others. Without empathy, people feel that you don’t get them and resist your influence. With empathy, people feel heard and understood and in alignment with you.

When people are empathic, they naturally communicate well. This is because empathic people mirror the body language and emotions of others, which creates a synchronicity.

Communication skills are made up of nonverbal (body language, tone of voice, etc.) and verbal (what you say) behaviors. Your nonverbal are most important, and through training everyone can improve their nonverbal communication.

Once again, to continue reading this blog, just go here:
http://personalbrandingblog.wordpress.com/2008/10/15/conquer-fear-and-add-the-leadership-attribute-to-your-brand/

Waiter or Slave?

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As I was flipping through the channels this morning, sipping my coffee, I came across the Rachael Ray show. On it were a couple of ladies who authored a book about the experiences of waiters and how to get good service. I watched for a couple of minutes, enough for them to expose their top 4 tips:

1 – Don’t snap your fingers at the server – they are not dogs

2 – Don’t ask any personal question that you wouldn’t ask your doctor, for example where do you live, are you married, etc.

3 – Don’t touch them or grope them

4 – Don’t ask for a complicated menu item switch, for example asking them to substitute a sauce used on chicken to be used on pork, or side dishes, etc.

WOW!
Who knew that was the way to get excellent service???
So what you are telling me is that if I treat my server with normal human respect, and don’t treat them like a slave or sex object, and don’t ask for an unwritten menu item switch, that I will most likely have a good experience at the restaurant? Hmm….

Listen I know I am being sarcastic in the above response. The sarcasm is not directed at the show nor the two lovely ladies who authored the book. The sarcasm is aimed at the people who actually still need to be told these 4 tips. Wake up! Grow up! Develop some empathy and communication skills please!

All of us have either worked in ‘the industry’ or know someone who has. There are so many stories out there of waiters and waitresses getting revenge on their customers who are rude or have a superiority complex. Wait-staff and cooks have been known to spit in food, switch pate for cat food; eat food from your plate, water-down drinks, etc. etc. etc. The list goes on. Why on earth would you invite the chance of this happening to you?

Today’s lesson is simple: treat everyone with respect and common courtesy, regardless of your or their position in society or at work. That in itself will open more doors than you can possibly imagine.

To those of you reading this who did not need this lesson, I thank you for your patience. However I believe you too have seen people who still ‘don’t get it’. Perhaps we need to give them a lesson on appropriate social communication skills?

R-E-O Improves Your Active Listening Skills

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Active listening skills are important to utilize in your everyday life, in the workplace and at home. Passively listening while multi-tasking several things can give the impression that you are not paying attention, and could cause people to avoid you or maybe even resent you.

Recently I met a senior manager at a global financial company who has had the benefit of over 20 years of the best sales and management training.  He knew that we all need a reminder once in a while of the simple communication strategies that work best. He agreed that active listening skills are very valuable and can make the difference between a sale and a loss.  Also, he mentioned that we do not want our colleagues to think that we are not listening, or do not care about their problems. Active listening can really help.  Here is a simple formula to help you – REO.

R – Reflect back or ‘paraphrase’ their main ideas, content, key words and ideas. You need not use the exact same phrase or sentences; rather just serve back the message that you got their main points. The beauty of this is that it immediately gives an opportunity to clear up any miscommunication right at the beginning of the conversation, as opposed to getting halfway through only then to realize you weren’t following the whole picture, and you have to start again from the top.

E – Empathy is a showing of a shared feeling and understanding of the emotional impact of the speaker’s situation. Do not judge, and please hold your own opinion. If you need to illustrate that you understand, briefly mention the basics of your story. This is not the time to take over the conversation. Your job is to listen actively and pay attention to their emotional state and body language. This is why you must be making eye-contact to be a good listener!

O – Open-ended questions can be asked to get more information, background, details that will help you and them discover a solution to the problem. We cannot ask a question that begs a Yes or No answer. We must ask questions that have them talking freely, in their own words. For example we should not ask “Are you going to request a transfer?” but rather ask “What are your options on changing your current situation?”

Also, please remember to be careful with starting your questions with the word ‘Why’. It usually sounds like you are challenging or criticizing the person. For example, “Why are you taking vacation now?” could be changed to “What are the reasons of taking your vacation now, as opposed to next month when things have slowed down here?”

I hope you find R-E-O a useful communication tool. As always feel free to contact me should you have any questions or comments about posts, ebooks, workshops, or personal coaching.